Wander, eyes closed, following song

I've mentioned before on my Tumblr that certain members of our system tend to "absorb" flickers, meaning that when we flicker, sometimes, it isn't the whole system's flicker, it's one specific member's and it tends to cause them to front more consistently for the duration. When this happens, often the result is that that particular alter will adapt the former flicker into their existence, not quite as a fictotype, but in a way that's permanently felt; it's hard to explain, but it's as if the flicker is recurring enough to be considered a significant part of their alterhumanity or identity as a whole, but only for that specific headmate. Vestige shows this in the most intense way, generally identifying those former flickers as fictotypes, but several of us will do this while others usually won't, and it's interesting to note the different patterns (type of character, type of flicker) by which it happens, because it actually does seem to reflect respective personalities.

For examples:

Vestige, as mentioned: tends to flicker a certain archetype of solitary, unassuming, wilderness-wandering character, usually who is a reluctant fighter or unfortunately-chosen warrior, often drawn toward a specific fate, carrying a specific weapon, and/or fights a great evil; usually taciturn, unsocial, ranging in verbality from "simply talks less than others due to his introspective personality" to "literally canonically was created no mouth so that it couldn't speak." The flickers he absorbs, and especially the ones he considers fictotypes, are often the deeply-felt, spiritually significant flickers—he will be the one to have dreams about lives as these characters. They have seven that we know of, three of them being the fictotypes we (mostly them) openly discuss on our blog. Four if you include the Novakid identity that he experiences as a fictotype of a specific character rather than a species identity like the rest of us. Vestige doesn't necessarily see themself as serious, per say, but they carry themself with a gravity that maybe only NOCH and Levi can actually match despite their self-professed mundanity, and the pattern clearly follows their affixation to a narrative and their superstitious nature. Not to mention their sincerity (at the intersection of deeply felt and unflappable reactions) likely being the reason those flickers are the easiest ones to talk about.

Fishke: tends to flicker mild-personalitied, people-pleasing characters, who let life just happen to them, aren't generally treated well by the other characters but don't have the ability or worldly understanding to push back, or have scientifically impossible disaster happen to them but are just like, chill about it. Often experiencing a systemically dehumanizing level of body horror or exploitation and approaching it with a pathologically blasé disregard for their own personhood. They're flickers that aren't that intense, that we barely even noticed enough to realize it was a flicker at the time or that we had to wonder if it was a flicker of the character or if it was just a general becoming askew that was attached to the media. There are five instances of this that I could name off the top of my head, but only one of them was even intense enough in the first place for Fishke to carry it with him and still feel attached to it, and if you watched that particular movie you could probably hear it in the way he talks. It's probably one of the most obvious manifestations. Fishke is a "go-with-the-flow" personality to a pathological degree; if you called them a doormat, they'd apologize for being in the way of your feet; nine times out of ten, if we get hurt or wake up in discomfort or pain, it's Fishke who immediately appears to take the brunt of it. I think they actually kind of like it.

Sender: I think I tend to flicker composed, easy-going but sober characters, often ones who experience horrors but respond to them with a questionable mix of grace and repression. It's hard to pin it down because I can only say I've absorbed three flickers plus one... other thing... which is not a good sample size, but all three have been eloquent, measured speakers, generally depicted well-dressed, often poetic personalities, storytellers, but perhaps not quite handling things as well as they (and others) think they are, with a quick failsafe of avoidance. These were flickers that hit suddenly and intensely, then smoothed out over time into a less intense but more long-term stability, perhaps even seasonally recurring, but that often felt like they were lasting too long for comfort. I would go into why this is probably appropriate for me, but I honestly think being in front currently means I'm way too blind-sided to actually see it, and I can't help but imagine reading this later as someone else and disagreeing with it, so I'm just going to leave it as is. Which... actually speaks for itself. 

Ben: like Fishke, flickers we're not even quite sure can be called that or if it was just a character that was far too relatable (with a notable exception of a character from a game we never even played and didn't want to), that seem to just barely itch under his skin but not enough to actually pinpoint in his identity. These are characters that, almost without fail, are trapped in a certain place, undergoing violation of their autonomy up to outright unwilling physical mutation, beholden to employment. There are three, and what's interesting is that he, one of the most masc-presenting and binary guys in the system, is the only one who we know of who's flickered a female character, let alone more than one. I think Ben's flickers are possibly the least parallel to a headmate's personality, but there's something to be said for the there, but just not-there enough to be frustrating, and of course he gravitates to characters who feel trapped, exploited, and not quite as OK with it as Fishke's.

NOCH: Its flickers are sort of like Ben's and Fishke's in intensity, but ones that we can say for sure were flickers; lower-energy flickers, but with an undertone of certainty. There are five I can think of right now, and there is a consistency in their archetypes that we can easily point to: utterly inhuman, and in fact primarily incomprehensible beings or maybe not even acting agents as opposed to forces of supernature, who arguably either committed unforgivable acts of horror out of malice, or were more complicated and sympathetic than the intended human audience was meant to view them as. They line up almost too perfectly with NOCH's labyrinth of a species identity too; two intelligent supercomputers (one a spaceship AI and the other an architect of impossible structures), one that's an otherworldly abomination, one that's an otherworldly abomination in an impossible structure, and one that skips the architect or abomination and just is an impossible structure itself.
Yeah, we'll never forget NOCH's "I think I'm flickering from House of Leaves; guys, I think it's the house!"

Fenn: Fenn's flickers start, last and end, appropriately, like a blow to the head; an immediate recognition, a profoundly manic spiral, a passionate confirmation and a song and dance of suppression within a length of time that NOCH would take to blink. Of three characters and one "thing" (like the one I have...), his flickers unfailingly and unsurprisingly often have a reckless physical disregard for their health, if not life; a penchant for flashy catastrophe; even more than once someone who experienced projectile head trauma.
Need I even say more?

🝯

Actually, what I'm thinking is that 'I' may be more separate than we thought. That I'm no longer sure if we really are all just parts of the same Ekho. Maybe I need to do much more intense research on OSDD, with a focus on experiences. We get to define our own, but I'm not sure how to do that anymore, or if we might be holding ourselves back out of social fear. I think that will have to be its own, probably even longer post. (We should probably also write up posts that give context for some of the things in the first one, mostly just because it would be a fun way to break in the new journal.)

Many, if not most, of our nicknames were chosen as placeholders for simpler self-reference while we were figuring ourselves out in the beginning of this year. Most of them in the moment and just based on our irl name or a reference to our species. We were always going to end up changing them individually when we each moved on from "who am I?" to "what do I want?" Ben already did. He was "Nov" for like a week, but it really wasn't him. A good number of us have found ones they like more than their original placeholders; Sender (formerly Night), Alias (formerly Cel), Fishke (formerly Fishmoth—calling that band name) and Stranger (formerly Exo) may come on here to talk about their names once they front again (and remember this exists! Alias was the one who started this earlier today and it just forgot we even had this account, rip).

Valrook never really sat right with me, even though I'm pretty sure I was the one who chose it in the moment. I like "Val." I like "Rook." But Valrook is just a barely-changed reference to my species, and I feel like with the fictional identity I have, my name should be more significant to who I am. More than Ectych, if I'm being honest, though I'll go with that right now, I really do like it, it's just...

Considering my 'types: "Link." "Ghost." "Echo." Etc. There's something in common about these names that I'm noticing. These are both nouns and verbs. These are verbs that give you their own title when you enact them. To link is to be a link. To ghost is to be a ghost. To echo is to be the echo.

As nouns, they are conceptual. Intangible. You cannot touch a ghost. You may hear an echo, but you can't paint one. You cannot picture what a link looks like, at its basest definition, only things that do it; although, they are links too, because they link, and so are you.

As verbs, they are an active choice, but only at surface level. Do you really choose it? Are you still choosing it once you've become it? Are you choosing to be a ghost? An echo?

To glow is to be a glow. To shadow is to be a shadow. To burn is to be the burn, a caustic wound on those around you as you burn through them. To end is to be one: your own. To flicker is to be one, just a moment of sparks. I feel oblivious, like it must be right in front of my nose and all I need to do is reach my hands out into the space between the world and touch it, and it will light up. Maybe a lot like a flicker actually, though I don't know if it should be that.

I'm not sure. I will take Ectych and run with it, but I think really I'm still waiting, and I will be for a long while after everyone else in my system has settled down with their name. Because I'm waiting for it to find me. Everyone else may have run after one and caught it, but I think I'll be sitting here patiently until a verb comes and makes me into a noun.

🜁